Of Booze & Beatles
by Me Gots No Name
Summary: Cloud & co. have returned to the Gold Saucer & are about to find out Cait Sith is a spy. Read Kitty Luv before you read this. *Finished*
1. Cait Sith's List Of Things To Do

Of Booze & Beatles  
  
By Me Gots No Name  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything I write about. Besides, you should know that from reading the 1st one. By reviewer's request & several pokes in the head from my sister, I bring you this sequel.  
  
Cloud & company have returned to the Gold Saucer for some wholesome, Disneyland~type fun. Cait Sith, however, realizes that soon his game of espionage will be over, & is making a list of things he wants to do before everyone else finds out he's a spy.  
  
Cait Sith: (reading off list) "Let Red XIII chase me, Buy a flower from Aeris, Swear with Cid, Write note to Barret apologizing about Marlene, Listen to music with Vincent, Give Tifa drink recipes, Steal Keystone from Cloud, & Go on a date with Yuffie." Hmm. I got a lot to do & less time to do it in.  
  
*Satellite Room*  
  
Reeve: I can't believe I'm holding a child hostage.  
  
Reno: Aw, come on. It ain't that bad.  
  
Reeve: Have you no moral fiber?  
  
Reno: Oh yeah, I got that.  
  
Reeve: You do?  
  
Reno: Yeah, I had some cereal this morning that was high in fiber.  
  
*Reeve sweatdrops.*  
  
Reeve: What surprises me most is you actually read what your box of cereal says.  
  
Reno: I'm not eating any more of that stuff. I only ate it 'cause your hostage took my Lucky Charms.  
  
*Marlene is sitting on a filing cabinet, dangling her legs over the side, eating Lucky Charms.*  
  
Reeve: Well maybe this isn't too bad…  
  
Short I know, but that's how I do my stories. Sit tight for the next chapter. 


	2. Rude, Tseng, & Elena Go Drinking

*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith: I guess I better start my list.  
  
*Knocks on Red XIII's door.*  
  
Red XIII: Yes?  
  
Cait Sith: Here.  
  
*Hands him "Free Chase Cait Sith All Day Card"*  
  
Red XIII: When do I redeem this?  
  
Cait Sith: Right now.  
  
*Cait Sith runs off, Red XIII in hot pursuit.*  
  
Red XIII: Thanks bunches, Cait Sith!  
  
Cait Sith: *huff~puff* Don't *huff* mention it! *puff*  
  
*Turks' Office*  
  
Rude: Well this is a whole lot of fun.  
  
Elena: Yeah, as fun as Rufus's "Hair Nite."  
  
Tseng: Stop complaining. With how much work all of us have had last week, you should enjoy rare days like this with nothing to do.  
  
Rude: You're right. I'm gonna go drinking with Reno.  
  
Tseng: Reno's busy trying to get something back from Reeve's hostage.  
  
Rude: So what am I supposed to do?  
  
*At Shinra HQ's Private Bar...*  
  
Tseng: I can't believe you talked us into going with you.  
  
Rude: It could be worse. Elena could be talking.  
  
*Elena is passed out at the table with a 1/2 empty glass of tequila.*  
  
Tseng: I see your point. Bartender, bring me some vodka.  
  
Rude: How come Reno, Reeve, & I are the only people around here who drink good domestic beer?  
  
*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith: "Let Red XIII chase me." Check. Next, "Buy a flower from Aeris."  
  
*Goes to find Aeris.* 


	3. %^(*

Aeris: What do you want, Cait Sith?  
  
Cait Sith: I want to buy a flower.  
  
Aeris; oh, okay ! I have lilies, roses, sunflowers...  
  
*Cait Sith thinks for a minute.*  
  
Cait Sith: I'll buy a lily.  
  
Aeris: All right. Here you go.  
  
*Exchange lily & gil.*  
  
Cait Sith: "Buy a flower from Aeris." Check.  
  
*At Hojo's Science Lab...*  
  
Scarlet: HOJO!!!!!  
  
Hojo: Shh... Not so loud. You'll disturb my precious specimens.  
  
Scarlet: You sick pervert, taking advantage of an injured woman in the most disgusting way!  
  
Hojo: I didn't hear you speak a word of complaint about it until just now. Besides, that was long ago.  
  
Scarlet: Oh, I'll get my revenge on you, Hojo. Mark my words. I'll get my revenge!  
  
Hojo: I'd like to see you try.  
  
*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith: Now, what's next? "Swear with Cid."  
  
*Knocks on Cid's door.*  
  
Cid: WHO THE %^(* IS IT?!? CAIT SITH! WHAT THE %^(* DO YOU %^(*ING WANT, YOU %^(*?!?  
  
Cait Sith: Um...I came to swear with you.  
  
Cid: %^(*?  
  
Cait Sith: %^(*.  
  
Cid: You're %^(*ing serious.  
  
Cait Sith: %^(* straight.  
  
Cid: %^(*ing cool. No %^(* ever %^(*ing decided to %^(*ing swear with me.  
  
Cait Sith: I can't %^(*ing imagine why.  
  
Cid: Hey, ya wanna see a %^(*ing beautiful picture of my %^(*ing sweet ship's %^(*ing sexy bikini goddess?  
  
Cait Sith: %^(* YES! 


	4. Tseng Gets Drunk... Really Drunk

*Bar*  
  
Tseng: Thish iz shuch a wunderful feeling. It makesh me wunder why I never drank thish much before.  
  
Rude:.....  
  
Elena: Zzz...  
  
Rude: Hey, Elly. Wake up.  
  
*Gently shakes her.*  
  
Elena: Zzz~*snort* Wha? What's the matter?  
  
Rude: Tseng's drunk.  
  
Tseng: Heeey, WHAZZZZZUP!!!!!  
  
Elena: Bartender? Could you bring some more?  
  
Rude: What are you doing?  
  
Elena: Haven't you ever wanted to see Tseng drunk? You know, really drunk?  
  
Tseng: Hey, cutie~pie. Howzabout you get me a lil' drink, eh?  
  
Rude: He better be talking to you.  
  
*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith: See ya later ya %^(*.  
  
Cid: Back at ya, %^(*.  
  
Cait Sith: "Swear with Cid." Check. Next, "Write note to Barret apologizing about Marlene." Oh yeah, that...  
  
*Satellite Room*  
  
Marlene: This is boring.  
  
Reeve: Just eat your Lucky Charms & be quiet.  
  
Reno: But they're my Lucky Charms! 


	5. Taco Bell Time!

*Rude walks in.*  
  
Reno: Hey Rude, buddy! Where've ya been?  
  
Rude: The bar.  
  
Reeve: Why'd you leave?  
  
*Bar*  
  
Barflies: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!  
  
*Tseng is chugging whatever glass of liquor that's placed in front of him. He finishes the glass he's working on & the barflies cheer raucously.*  
  
Tseng: Aw, it wuz nuthin'…*Hic!* Keep'em cumin'…  
  
*Back*  
  
Rude: I'd rather not say. Who's the kid?  
  
Reno: She stole my Lucky Charms!  
  
*Marlene blows a raspberry at him & he blows one back.*  
  
Reeve: She's my hostage.  
  
Marlene: This is way too boring. I wanna do something besides sit here.  
  
Rude: Wanna grab a taco?  
  
Reno: Yeah. Let's go.  
  
Reeve: Can you get me a chalupa?  
  
Marlene: I want some nachos.  
  
Reeve: & a nacho plate?  
  
Reno: Why don't you come with us?  
  
Marlene: Yay! Let's go!  
  
Reeve: I guess it can't hurt…  
  
*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith (reading aloud): "Dear Barret, I know you'll be upset when you read this, but I really regret what I've done. I'm very sorry, & I assure you, Marlene was kept safe at all times. Sincerely, Cait Sith." Geez, I sound like I'm from AA or something. Why don't I throw in, "What I did, I did because of impaired judgement & anger caused by my alcoholic tendancies" or something like that? Oh well. "Write note to Barret apologizing about Marlene." Check. 


	6. Run Free, Precious Specimens!

*Hojo's Lab*  
  
Hojo: Hello, my precious specimens. & how are all of you today?  
  
*Looks into empty control room.*  
  
Hojo: What?  
  
*Looks in other empty control rooms.*  
  
Hojo: No…  
  
*Follows path of empty rooms to open door.*  
  
Hojo: No!  
  
*Runs outside. All of Hojo's "precious specimens" are running free with Scarlet waving "bye" at them.*  
  
Hojo: NOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Scarlet: Have a nice day, Hojo.  
  
*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith: "Listen to music with Vincent." Oh boy, this is going to be depressing.  
  
*Knocks on his door.*  
  
Vincent: Yes?  
  
Cait Sith: Hey. How's it going?  
  
Vincent: Okay.  
  
Cait Sith: I came to listen to music with you.  
  
Vincent: Alright. Come on in.  
  
*Cait Sith comes in & browses through Vincent's CD collection, expecting to see Staind & Linkin Park, but instead finds…*  
  
Cait Sith: "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"?  
  
Vincent: It's like the song is an extention of myself.  
  
Betcha never saw that one coming! A few of you were probably wondering when the Beatles were coming in. More drunk Tseng, Taco Bell goodness, & what's this? Cait Sith will get his date with Yuffie? As Cid Highwind would say, "Hang onto your drawers & don't piss in 'em!"  
  
Cid: I wanted to say that.  
  
Fine. Say it again.  
  
Cid: Hang onto your drawers & don't piss in 'em!  
  
Thank you. In either case, stay tuned for the next chapters… 


	7. I'll Tell Yew When I've Had Enuff! *Hic!...

*Taco Bell Drive~Thru*  
  
Reeve: Uh, yeah. I want 10~  
  
Reno: No, make it 20.  
  
Reeve: Make that 20 tacos, 5 club chalupas, & a 7~layer nacho plate.  
  
*Garbled Drive~Thru Feedback*  
  
Reeve: Thank you.  
  
*Drives to window. Exchage gil & food.*  
  
Teen Employee: Sir, do we accept gil?  
  
*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith & Vincent (singing): We were talking~About the love that's gone so cold.~About people~Who gained the world but lose their souls.~They don't know~They can't see~Are you one of them?  
  
*Bar*  
  
Tseng (singing drunkenly): For the benefit of Mister Kite there will be a show tonight on trampoline. The Hendersons will all be there late of Pablo Fanques Fair. What a scene!  
  
Barflies (also singing drunkenly): Through men & horses hoops & garters lastly through a hogshead of real fire. In this way Mister K will challenge the world!  
  
*Barflies cheer loudly again.*  
  
Elena: So are you having fun?  
  
Tseng: Oh *Hic!* yeah, gurl. Bartender, gimme anuther…  
  
Bartender: Sir, I think you've had enough.  
  
*Tseng attempts to grab the bartender by the collar, but only manages to grab his shirt to hold himself steady.*  
  
Tseng: I'll tell yew when I've had enuff! *Hic!*  
  
Elena: Calm down, Tseng. If you want more liquor & the bartender won't let you have it, you can come to my house.  
  
Tseng: Okay. Whuteva ya say, shooga…Heh heh heh…  
  
*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith: "Listen to music with Vincent." Check. "Give Tifa drink recipes."  
  
How strange & twisted this has gotten! Elena plans to take advantage of a drunk Tseng, Vincent digs George Harrison's music, & Shinra hostages get free Taco Bell! What will happen in the next chapter? Keep reading to find out… 


	8. Aw, Crud. Here Come The Cops...

*Reeve's Car*  
  
Reno: These tacos always have too much lettuce.  
  
Rude: & they cheated us out of the bacon in these club chalupas.  
  
Reeve: Hey! The chalupas are mine!  
  
Marlene: Hey, a police car's following us.  
  
*Everyone turns around except for Reeve, who checks the rearview mirror.*  
  
Reeve: Aw, crud! The fuzz found out I kidnapped an innocent little girl!  
  
Reno: They found out about all the liquor I stole from the annual company party!  
  
Rude: They found out about my gambling ring!  
  
Marlene: I don't think they knew about any of that stuff.  
  
Reno: Oh? Well if you're so smart, then what ARE they chasing us for?  
  
Marlene: Maybe because we were going 120 in a 35 zone?  
  
*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith: Tifa! Where are ya?  
  
Tifa: Oh, Cait Sith. What's up?  
  
Cait Sith: I was on the internet & I got you some drink recipes you could use for your bar.  
  
Tifa: Thank you, Cait Sith. How sweet. (Looks at one of the cards) "A long comfortable screw against the wall"?  
  
Cait Sith: Strange name, but good drink. Plus, it's funny watching everyone's reaction when someone actually orders one.  
  
Tifa: Good point. Thanks, Cait Sith.  
  
Cait Sith: No prob. "Give Tifa drink recipes." Check.  
  
*Elena's House*  
  
Elena: Hey Tseng, are you all right? You vomited a lot on the way here.  
  
Tseng: Oh yeah. I feel really gud…Now, ya got anythin' ta eat 'round here?  
  
Elena (thinking): Maybe this was a mistake. I really shouldn't take advantage of Tseng while he's intoxicated, should I?  
  
Tseng: Hey, thish bed iz reeeeeally soft. & big tew.  
  
Elena (thinking): Duh! No question.  
  
This teaches us something: If you must drink, drink at home alone. 


	9. Hi Yuffie

*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith: "Steal Keystone from Cloud." Aw, crud. This is gonna be complicated.  
  
*Yuffie walks in.*  
  
Cait Sith (dreamily): Hi Yuffie…  
  
Yuffie: Hi Cait Sith.  
  
Cait Sith (still dreamily): Hi Yuffie…  
  
Yuffie: Okay, how's it going?  
  
Cait Sith: (yet still dreamily) Hi Yuffie… *snaps out of it* Oh, um… You wouldn't happen to know where Cloud is, would you?  
  
Yuffie: He's in the can.  
  
Cait Sith (thinking): Perfect! My beloved has helped me with my mission unknowingly.  
  
Yuffie: Why do you wanna know?  
  
Cait Sith: (thinking) Oh no! If Yuffie finds out I'm a spy, she'll have nothing to do with me! But lying to her would be even worse! What to do. What to do. (aloud) He has my cake recipe. (thinking) Wait, that didn't come out right.  
  
Yuffie: Huh? Are you hiding something?  
  
Cait Sith (thinking): She's caught on to me! I should've known she would. She's so smart.  
  
Yuffie: Are you going to steal Cloud's~  
  
Cait Sith: YES! YES I AM! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE! PLEASE! I'M SO AHAMED!  
  
Yuffie: Calm down, I won't tell.  
  
Cait Sith: You won't?  
  
Yuffie: Of course not. I wanna steal Cloud's materia, too.  
  
Cait Sith: (thinking) This could turn out better than I thought. (aloud) Wanna come & split the difference?  
  
Yuffie: Count me in!  
  
*President Rufus's Office*  
  
Hojo: SHE LET THEM GO! THAT %^(*ING SLUT LET MY PRECIOUS SPECIMENS GO!  
  
Scarlet: You brought it on yourself. Besides, you only slept with me because I had a concussion.  
  
Rufus: Frankly, I think the both of you are %^(*ed up because no one in their right mind would set Hojo's experiments free OR bang Scarlet. The only solution I see to this problem is if you bang each other again.  
  
Hojo & Scarlet: WHAT THE %^(*?!? There's no way in Hell I'd do that again.  
  
Rufus: I think there is. 


	10. The Dramatic Car Chase

*Saucer*  
  
Cait Sith: Okay, got the bag?  
  
Yuffie: Yep. Got the gil?  
  
Cait Sith: Yep. Okay, let's go.  
  
Yuffie: Okay.  
  
*They sneak into Cloud's room & take his materia. Cait Sith discreatly puts the Keystone in his mog's mouth.*  
  
Cait Sith: Well that was easy.  
  
Yuffie: Yeah, it was.  
  
Cait Sith: Wanna catch a flick?  
  
Yuffie: Okay!  
  
Cait Sith (thinking): "Steal Keystone from Cloud." Check.  
  
*Reeve's Car*  
  
Reno: Reeve, don't stop for anything!  
  
Reeve: You say that like I don't know that!  
  
Rude: …..!  
  
Marlene: Wow! We're probably gonna get on my favorite show: "World's Wildest Police Chases"  
  
Officer (on megaphone): You're under arrest! Pull over to the side of the road! For the love of crumb cake, STOP!  
  
Marlene: Hey, you guys see that bridge?  
  
Reeve: Yeah…  
  
Marlene: Well, it's up.  
  
Reno: Oh shite.  
  
Rude: …..!  
  
Reeve: Okay, is everybody ready?  
  
*Everyone nods.*  
  
Reeve: Okay.  
  
*Everyone takes a deep breath.*  
  
Everyone: AHHHHH!!!!!  
  
*The car jumps off the end of the bridge.*  
  
Officer (off megaphone): They're crazy! Poor fools ain't gonna make it! 


	11. Dumb & Dumber: Now Playing At The Moogle...

*Gold Saucer Moogleplex*  
  
Cait Sith: This place has the oldest movies.  
  
Yuffie: Most of these are probably older than Vincent.  
  
Cait Sith: 2 tickets for "Monkey Business."  
  
Yuffie: "Monkey Business"?  
  
Cait Sith: I got a weakness for Marx Brothers films.  
  
*Elena's House*  
  
Tseng: Aw, cum on. Lemme sing ya anuther song, babe.  
  
*Tseng is caterwalling around on Elena's bed in nothing but a pair of boxers, holding a bottle of booze.*  
  
Elena: How about you settle down on the bed & I come out of the bathroom?  
  
Tseng: Whuteva floats yer boat.  
  
*Elena walks out of the bathroom in a black nightie that's barely hanging onto her. Tseng drops his bottle.*  
  
Elena: Here. Let me get that for you.  
  
*Elena bends over to get the bottle, giving Tseng a good view of cheesecake. He throws her on the bed & jumps on her, his battle cry ringing through the house.*  
  
Tseng: CHEESECAKE!!!!!  
  
*Moogleplex*  
  
Cait Sith: Enjoying the movie?  
  
Yuffie (who's eating popcorn): Mmm~hmph! *crunch, smack*  
  
Cait Sith: I wonder how Moggy is enjoying his movie.  
  
*In other theater in Moogleplex…*  
  
Moggy (who's drinking soda): *sip, sip, sip*  
  
*Moggy is watching "Dumb & Dumber" alone in the plex.*  
  
Lloyd: Mock!  
  
Harry (singing): Yeah!  
  
Lloyd: Ing!  
  
Harry: Yeah!  
  
Lloyd: Bird!  
  
Harry: Yeah!  
  
Lloyd: Yeah!  
  
Harry: Yeah! 


	12. AHHHHH!!!!!

*Reeve's Car*  
  
Everyone: AHHHHH!!!!! *Takes deep breath.* AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*The car crashes through a roof. The car is okay.*  
  
Reeve: Everyone okay?  
  
*Everyone murmurs affirmativly.*  
  
WHAT THE %^(* IS GOING ON?!?  
  
*They realize that they crashed right through Aura~sama's roof & now have to deal with the pissed author.*  
  
Reeve: We can explain.  
  
Don't bother. I saw your chase on "World's Wildest Police Chases."  
  
Marlene: Yes!  
  
Reno: Why aren't the fuzz still chasing us?  
  
Must've been a wormhole or something. But enough about that. WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT MY ROOF?  
  
Rude: How do you normally solve problems like this?  
  
Duct tape.  
  
Reeve: I think it'll take a little more than that.  
  
Aw, don't worry about it. We're getting a new house anyway.  
  
Reno: Hey, if you were watching, what were the police chasing us for anyway?  
  
You guys are accused of ripping off Taco Bell. What happened? Did they not accept gil?  
  
Everyone: They don't accept gil?  
  
*Moogleplex*  
  
Cait Sith: So didja have fun tonight?  
  
Yuffie: Oh yeah! I had a lot of fun! Thank you.  
  
*Yuffie gives Cait Sith a peck on the forehead & leaves.*  
  
Cait Sith (dreamily): "Go on a date with Yuffie." Check.  
  
*Cait Sith faints off Moggy. Moggy unzips his back, tosses Cait Sith in, & starts listening to Monty Python.*  
  
Monty Python (singing): I~mmanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable! Heidigger, Heidigger was a boozy begger who can think you under the table!  
  
Just so you know, the Heidigger in the song is the philosopher. I wanted to add the lyrics about Aristotle & the others, but I forgot the words. ^^" 


	13. Wheeeee~Hoo~Hoo~Hoo~Hoo!

*Hojo's Lab*  
  
Rufus: I'd like to try an experiment, if you don't mind. Or even if you do mind, I don't care. Just both of you get in the room.  
  
*Hojo & Scarlet are locked in the room.*  
  
Hojo: What are you trying to accomplish?  
  
Rufus: I want to see how long it takes two nymphromaniacs to bang each other.  
  
Hojo & Scarlet: What?!?  
  
Rufus: This should keep me entertained for a few hours…  
  
*Elena's Bed*  
  
Tseng: Zzzzz…  
  
*Elena is sleeping soundly next to Tseng. The door opens.*  
  
Elly's Friend: Hey, I got the cutest little Gir doll at the mall today &~Oh, my…  
  
*Walks out of the room & shuts door behind her. She accidentally smacks the Gir doll against the wall.*  
  
Gir: Wheeeee~Hoo~Hoo~Hoo~Hoo!  
  
*President Rufus's Office*  
  
Rufus: Now, I can watch something quality.  
  
*Rufus turns on his TV, which has a camera to Hojo's control room. The picture certainly isn't the room, though.*  
  
SpongeBob: What is this?  
  
Plankton: I don't see anything.  
  
SpongeBob (sobbing): How can you not see it?!?  
  
Plankton: OKAY! Okay, I see it! It's a Krabby Patty, okay?!? I couldn't help myself.  
  
SpongeBob: But we sang the "F.U.N." song! I think I'm going to be sick.  
  
Rufus: O…kay…  
  
*Changes channel.*  
  
Zim: What are you watching?  
  
Gir: "Angry Monkey"  
  
Zim: THAT EVIL MONKEY.  
  
Gir: Where's Ultra~Peepi?  
  
Zim: He's working.  
  
Rufus: Not in this lifetime.  
  
*Changes channel.* 


	14. Wow, This Story Was Long...

Dad: My trophy! What have you done?!?  
  
Timmy: I melted it with heat vision.  
  
Dad: & where did you get heat vision?  
  
Timmy: Uh…internet?  
  
Cosmo: Oh, he's good.  
  
Rufus: Who's been screwing with the TV?!?  
  
*Control Room*  
  
Scarlet: I'll admit, that was smart of you connecting Rufus's TV to the others in the building.  
  
Hojo: I just want to know who's watching SpongeBob SquarePants, Invader Zim, & Fairly Oddparents.  
  
Scarlet: Got any 5s?  
  
Hojo: Go fish.  
  
Scarlet: Oh, screw the whole damn card game! Let's %^(*.  
  
*Aura~sama's House*  
  
Well, I guess that's the story, unless you want to count these people.  
  
*Gestures at Reeve & company.*  
  
Reno & Rude are duct taping my roof back together, Reeve is watching TV, & Marlene is sitting on my counter eating my cotton candy ice cream bars. Here, scoot over…  
  
*Marlene makes enough room for two.*  
  
So, that's it. Anybody who watches the shows aforementioned by Hojo, if you have any corrections on the quotes, I don't mind making them. I'm gonna eat some ice cream. I'll get back to you guys when I write another FFVII fic. See ya!  
  
Marlene: Bye~bye!  
  
*Roof falls in with Reno & Rude in the debris.*  
  
Rude: I told you to tape it from the inside.  
  
Reno: Shut up.  
  
End 


End file.
